Teaching is the most intense form of learning. When I speak, I learn. Sometimes that’s because of the act of honing a message down to its essence. But sometimes it’s because of the feedback. One learns the most from one’s listeners, especially when they are passionate and knowledgeable.
Based on the last couple of years on Shabbat HaChodesh, I know that this week will be a learning experience. This is the Shabbat in which I have joined a national effort to address the plight of those who bear the burden of childlessness. Never easy, the predicament of the chlldless is compounded in a community where families -- and sometimes large families -- are prized. This topic strikes a nerve, and I have been the beneficiary the last few years of grateful and candid feedback. I want to share some of what I learned last year both in terms of the complexity of this situation and in terms of sensitivity.
In the difficulties in this area, sometimes the issue is being child-less, that is, having fewer children. A couple with a child can run into real difficulties conceiving again. They often do not pay attention to it because of the previous, successful pregnancy. This can mean that a family is undergoing secondary infertility, i.e. difficulty in conceiving a viable child after a baby was born. In truth, the same time lapse -- a year without success -- is concerning, and the cause is often the same as it can be in primary infertility. It can be a medical problem or even a drop in fertility due to age, including too long a wait after the first child. Sometimes it is related to something gone awry because of the first pregnancy but that is a small part of the problem. The percentage of couples affected by secondary infertility is roughly the same as those affected by primary infertility, a little over 10%.
The comments that come up in this situation are not the same as those encountered by those who don’t have any children. But they can be just as insensitive. Couples can hear comments about how it’s “cruel” to deprive a child of siblings or, from the other side, they hear about how it’s easier or less expensive to have “just one”.
Another lesson. I have used here the word “childless” instead of the term “infertility.” This is a term that goes beyond the meaning of infertility. The latter lasts as long as it lasts. Childlessness and its trials extend far beyond childbearing years. Again, the damage from insensitive words can strike deep. As one ages, and others are full of stories about children and grandchildren, those who are childless cannot reciprocate. One has to be conscious of how these stories sound to those who have nothing to add.
A third lesson. This condition does not lead only to despair. The history of Klal Yisrael is full of stories of the heroic achievements of those who were childless. Looking back to just the last two generations, the Chazon Ish, R’ Avraham Yishaya Karelitz, ztz’l, founded the community in Bnei Brak, while the Lubavitcher Rebbe, ztz’l, took Chabad to new heights. Mrs. Yehudis Dukhovny’s uncle and aunt, Rabbi Yitzchok and Sally Breitowitz, were the foundation of their community in Silver Spring, MD, before making Aliya, where they teach thousands. The Breitowitzes also modeled another heroic response in adopting a child.
Looking further back, Avraham and Sara were also such a couple. They too accomplished much in establishing the first Jewish community. Their fruitful lives despite being childless had a different end, of course. But the miracle of Yitzchok’s birth only reaches its full meaning in light of his parents being childless.
Avraham and Sara were beyond hope when they learned that -- against all natural laws -- they would welcome a child. Yitzchok's name derives from the laughter the news elicited from his father. If laughter comes from the upending of expectations, no reversal was more profound than Yitzchok’s birth. The Jewish people are a result of that birth, a constant reminder of its status beyond the natural.
The Simcha of Adar comes from the laughter when Haman’s plans are upended. But that only kept the reversal of expectations -- which is the foundation of the Jewish people -- going. Yitzchok’s birth, which began the miracle, came in Nissan, marking it as the month of Jewish redemption well before the Exodus occurred. And his birth, with the Exodus, marks it as the month of the future redemption. That ultimate redemption, the greatest laughter of all and, please G-d, the end of childlessness, will come again in Nissan, Bimheira Biyameinu.
Shabbat Shalom!
